Beginnings

I have needed a blog, so its about time that I have started one. I have had a Xanga for a long time, but I needed to get away from that, just because, I don't know, I felt like it was something from my past. Right now I am going through a rough and crazy time in life and I just need to write. I used to journal all the time and I loved it, but with time constraints, typing just seems so much faster.

So much is going on in my life right now and I briefly lost it last week, currently trying to prevent a relapse of that. I am getting married in 5 months, which is good, but it brings about a whole lot of stress of planning, financial strain, who is paying for what, who is not paying at all that should be paying, pleasing mothers and forgetting my own wishes. Lots of good stuff like that. At the same time, I am finishing my last semester of my undergrad, which requires a 120-hour practicum (also in progress), while I have just started my master's. I also work--not much, about 7 hours a week--but it is still work, and pre-marital counseling starts this week. People think I'm nuts, and I get the usual "oh you are smart, you'll be fine," which sounds great, but it is an empty comment. Those around me know how much I am doing, but I don't think they quite understand. I feel like I am already married because I cook, clean the apartment, make sure he has a lunch for work. Again, not a bad thing, just adds to everything else.

My wedding dress came in this weekend, but it went to the store up in Pennsylvania and I am in Maryland. I suppose that my mother will pick it up sometime this week and bring it to me when I see her this weekend. It would just be nice if I could be in control of all my wedding stuff. But again, that is difficult when the wedding is up in PA/NJ and I am down here, I have to rely on the family up there.

I have therapy today, thankfully, it has been almost two weeks since I went last and that is too long. Maybe that is why I lost it last week. I almost forgot, I am looking for a job as well, as terrible as that is in today's economy, and dependent upon where that job is if I get one, will tell me in what area I will be moving when my lease is up at the end of May. That involves finding a place to live where Joe can move in once we get married. But honestly, wouldn't it just be easier if he moved in now? I'd even get a two-bedroom so that we wouldn't sleep together to make the parents happy. Aren't I an adult yet? I still feel like I am living under the rules of others.